When Negative Communication Rules Part 2 February 22, 2011

 

Once couples get steeped in negativity it can be difficult to see what you liked about your partner in the first place. Instead all you see is their faults. They can’t do anything to please you and you can’t do anything to please them. Every discussion becomes an argument about all the mistakes your partner has made in the past and how he/she will never change. This belief hinders any attempt by either partner to change, making the idea that your relationship can improve seem impossible. When it seems impossible for your relationship to improve, many people begin thinking that the only way to be happy in a relationship again is to get a new one.  This seems like an easy solution when you are in a very unhappy, volatile relationship but rarely works out they way you imagine it will. Without exploring your part of the relationship breakdown and making changes in how you are in relationships you will likely experience relationship problems again with a new partner.

When people feel as if they cannot share their thoughts without being judged, they become defensive. As a person becomes defensive they begin to place blame on the other person in the conversation. As each person does this they escalate the conflict, creating a negative atmosphere for communication. The longer negative communication occurs between two people the harder it is for them to trust what is being said, the more likely it is for them to make assumptions about what the other person is saying, and the more likely it is for them to hear words in a negative tone of voice.

Communication is like looking into a pond. When you first begin communicating with someone, the pond is clear and easy to see through. Most of the time, the message that is sent reaches the listener and is correctly interpreted. However, if the relationship develops a lot of negativity it becomes more difficult for the message to be correctly interpreted. It is like both partners shoveled dirt into the clear pond making it much more difficult to see what is actually at the bottom. At this point, the task for the couple is to begin to clean up the pond by trying to see what message their partner is actually trying to convey versus the dirty, distorted message that they initially hear.

In order to begin cleaning up the communication pond:

• Be willing to take the first step, even if you think your partner won’t make a change. You can only change yourself and your actions.
• Bring up topics in a respectful and curious manner.
• Listen to the entire message in order to understand, not respond.
• After hearing the message, summarize what you heard to your partner. If the message was not summarized correctly, restate the message in order to help the partner understand. Have them summarize it again to make sure the message is clear.
  • This doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out formal process. For example, your partner makes a statement and in return you say something like “Wait, did you mean this or this. I’m confused.” This allows you to summarize and gives your partner a chance to clarify the statement without accusing each other.
• Try not to get frustrated when the message is not understood. Acknowledge your responsibility in shoveling dirt into the pond.
• When hearing a message that is unpleasant to you, strive to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and hear the meaning behind the words.
  • For example: “You are always late getting home for work” may mean “I miss you when you are gone and would like to spend more time with you”
• When bringing up a controversial issue, try to be straight forward. Don’t expect your partner to do the interpreting for you like was done in the example above. Your partner is not a mind reader
• Make a commitment to trust what your partner is saying unless given a legitimate reason not to.
• Ask for further explanation when your partner says something you view as critical. Often times what we mean to say is not what is actually said.
• If a conversation gets too heated, suggest a timeout
  • Time out rules
    • Always ask for a time-out. Don’t simply leave.
    • Agree on a set amount of time (at least 20 minutes) to take a break and return to the conversation after that time has passed.
    • During the time-out, take care of yourself. Use this time to calm down by talking a walk, listening to music, etc. This a time to relax, not reload.
    • Remind yourself about the things you like about your partner and the reasons you want to work through your conflicts.
• Try to solve problems using mutually satisfying solutions. Win-Wins instead of Win-Lose.
• Try to end conversations, especially difficult ones by re-affirming your love and commitment to your partner. Sometime, love is a choice, not a feeling.

When Negative Communication Rules: Part 1 February 15, 2011

In the beginning of most relationships, couples encounter few conflicts due to the fact that they are “in love”. When people are “in love” their brain chemistry changes and the endorphins released cause people to exist in a state of euphoria. When people are in this state, there is little conflict and people have difficulty seeing potential issues with their partner. This is beneficial because it helps couples establish a connection with each without being overwhelmed with problems. However, this euphoric state doesn’t last forever. When a couple’s relationship shifts from being crazy in love to comfortable in love, more conflicts arise.

Many people assume that conflict should be avoided in relationships. However, anytime a person spends a significant amount of time with someone else, personality differences and conflicts will arise. This is normal and natural. It is more important to handle these conflicts and differences constructively than to avoid them altogether. Unfortunately, many couples either avoid conflict altogether or allow conflict to degrade their relationship by attacking each other and each other’s faults instead of focusing on the issue in dispute.

While relationships are able to withstand a degree of negative communication and attacks, the longer a couple handles conflict by attacking each other the harder it is for a couple to feel emotionally connected to their partner and positive about their relationship. For example, say you get in a fight with your partner and he/she says that you never listen to him/her and you are incredibly irresponsible. How do you feel about him/her? Do you want to spend time with her/him? Do you want to open up and be emotionally and physically vulnerable with him/her? Of course not. Most people instead want to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable by closing up and keeping concerns to themselves or by going and sharing concerns with a support person outside the relationship. These actions drive couples apart and over time the relationship gets steeped in negativity and it is difficult for couples to even imagine why they were attracted to each other in the first place.

If you find yourself in this situation now, take time to recognize the pattern that you and your partner are continuing. Begin to change the pattern by trying to avoid putting each other down and sticking to the issue at hand. Also take time to reminisce about what attracted you to your partner and the things you like about them now.  Remember, you can only change yourself. You can ask your partner to change but you can’t make them. (Wouldn’t the world be easier if you could? j/k )

Next time: When Negative Communication Rules Part 2

“We just don’t communicate” February 8, 2011

One of the most common complaints I hear from couples in counseling is that “we just don’t communicate well.” Communication is one of the primary components of relationships. Without communication we cannot share our thoughts, our beliefs, our affection, our needs, or our love. This is important because many couples who express dissatisfaction with their ability to communicate are truly expressing their desire to be emotionally connected to their partner versus simply being able to send and receive a message.

When you hear the word “communication, the first most people think about is how we talk to each other. However, even in verbal communication, the words that we say are less important than the way we say those words. How often have you said the words “I love you too” but with sarcasm and the attitude of “thanks for being a jerk, you clearly don’t love me”? The primary message is expressed through the use of the sarcasm, undermining the words that were spoken. It is important to recognize the significance of tone of voice and context of the words in communication.

The second type of communication is non-verbal communication. Although, most people consider words their primary mode of communication, in reality non-verbal communication is more powerful. Think of all the ways you express your thoughts without using words: a smile, a hug, a grimace, a hand gesture, a head nod, a facial expression. Often times our non-verbal communication contradicts our verbal communication. When this occurs, non-verbal communication usually outweighs verbal communication. Actions often do speak louder than words. This can be a helpful way for people to understand the true message being conveyed. However, it can also cause communication difficulties because often times other issues and cultural norms contribute to people’s facial expressions, hand movements, etc.

If you are feeling like you just can’t get through to your partner, spouse, children, siblings, or friends, try to use a completely different way to send your message. Notes, hugs, straight forward requests, or even doing a chore for them can be an effective way to show you care. Building up positive interactions in a relationship is extremely important so that the relationship can weather negative interactions.

Next time: When Negative Communication Rules

Resolution? What Resolution? January 18, 2011

It’s mid January and life has returned to “normal” after the holidays. Many people set new goals for the year and began the year with lots of motivation. A few weeks in, people are beginning to have set-backs, myself included. It becomes very easy to focus on the set-backs we have experienced and interpret set-backs as failures.

Failure is a dirty word in our culture. It is feared, hated, and utterly unacceptable. The only time failure is ok is when we hear stories about Thomas Edison failing hundreds of times before succeeding at creating light bulbs. It is no wonder that in this light (pardon the terrible pun) we try to avoid failure at all costs.

However, one of the unintended results of this thinking is that when we do experience a failure we internalize the experience and begin seeing ourselves as failures. The failure takes on a life of its own and becomes overwhelming. We assume we cannot succeed at anything so we may as well not try. Instead of viewing failures only as either paths to fabled success or a universal reflection on our self-worth, view failures in their context. Look at what happened, spend a little time thinking about why, and if you still want to work on this issue, create some ideas on how to improve in the future.

For example, as I stated a couple weeks ago in my blog I want to post a blog weekly. It didn’t get done last week. I was busy and it kept getting pushed to the bottom of the priority list. I could think about how bad it reflects on me that I didn’t get it done, I could think about how bad I am at organization or assume that because I didn’t meet my goal I (not the situation) am the failure. If I think that way I am bound for depression. Instead, I thought bummer, I wish I would have done that last week, examined what kept me from getting it done, and then created ideas to encourage me to post weekly (plan to post on Monday so if it does get pushed back I will still likely complete it that week).

Then, MOVE ON! Look forward and appreciate the great things you have done today and the blessings that you have. Notice the goals you have achieved or the work you have done. Give yourself credit for the effort instead of only focusing on the results.  Appreciate yourself for who you are.

Post- Holiday Blues January 5, 2011

The big day has come and gone.  The tree has been taken down and the decorations packed away. Family has come and gone. The day you have been working towards and building up to for a month seems to have flown past.

While you may also be looking forward to getting back to a more regular schedule, often after the holidays we begin to feel more worn out and worn down. We worked and anticipated the coming of Christmas and the time with our family and friends. We may have been stressed about seeing our families but now that the time has gone, it seems to have flown by.  Additionally, time with family sometimes brings up past issues that we haven’t fully dealt with.

It is easy to get caught up in the spirit of the holiday season and focus so much on creating the perfect holiday that after it is over we feel let down. The obligations that just weeks ago seemed overwhelming are now missed and replaced with a sense of loneliness.  It is easy to fall into the post-holiday blues.

It’s important to look for new challenges and new activities to keep us active during the time of year in which it is easy to hibernate, both physically and emotionally. Take up a new hobby or connect with a friend. Reflect on the enjoyment of the holidays. Appreciate the small blessings and accomplishments of your day. Look forward to the next goal/trip/holiday/Tuesday to keep you motivated.  Decide whether or not the family issues that came up need to be dealt with. Most importantly, keep active. Often times just doing something will help us get out of our funk enough to get going.

This year I resolve to….. December 30, 2010

Keep my office cleaner, post my blogs weekly, and of course go to the gym more. Every year thousands of people make New Year’s resolutions, most of which last for about a week. We psych ourselves up to make a big important change that we have been thinking about for the past few weeks. We tell ourselves this year we are going to do it and then inevitably our motivation wanes and we are back to where we started.

There is nothing wrong with using the New Year as a motivating factor to make a change. However, the idea of a resolution is that it is a firm promise, not to be broken, no matter what. This sets us up to fail. We say we are going to go to the gym five times a week and then we have to work late and we don’t make it. Instead of going to the gym the following day we tell ourselves, “I failed so what is the point in trying anymore” and we give up our resolution completely.

Whenever we are trying to make changes we need to expect set-backs. Most of the time we are working on changing habits we have had for years. They are difficult to change. So instead of setting firm resolutions this year, set goals with specific action steps and deadlines.  Make a plans and plans for when you mess up your first plan. Set yourself up to succeed and cut yourself some slack when you mess up.

Happy New Year!

Reducing your Holiday Stress: How to have a MERRY Christmas! December 20, 2010

At the end of every year, most people experience a mixed sense of anticipation and dread.  For some people the Christmas season is a time of enjoyment and excitement but for many there is a looming cloud of holiday stress. People struggle to balance their regular responsibilities with the added expectations of gift shopping, decorating, baking, and parties. Additionally, towards the end of the month, the kids are out of school and we have to decide whether to take extra time off or send them to childcare. Many people have relatives come to visit or are traveling to spend time with family.  With all of these expectations and responsibilities, the holidays can quickly become stressful and overwhelming instead of relaxing and enjoyable.

Tips for enjoying this holiday season:

1.     Determine what is most important to you about Christmas, Hanukkah, or New Years. Is it a religious celebration? Is it a time for family? Is it a day off of work? Is it a time for giving gifts or eating special treats? Think about which is the most important to you and why.

2.     Plan your celebration according to your priorities. While you may include other aspects of the holiday in your celebration, focus the celebration on what is important to you.

3.     Don’t overdo it. Choose a few important activities that help you celebrate.

4.     Don’t get pressured into doing things you aren’t interested in. Often times we feel pressure from family, friends, and our culture to celebrate the holidays in a particular way. Let go of the expectations to do everything and the expectations to do certain things just because “that’s what we’ve always done”.

5.     Delegate. Ask other family members or friends for help. Make holiday “chores” fun. Enjoy the time spent shopping or baking instead of simply focusing on the end result.

6.     Spend time connecting to the people we care most about. Do things you enjoy together. Nurture your relationship with your spouse/significant other and your children.

7.     Slow down. Many people feel so rushed during the holidays that they end up missing the celebration. Allow yourself to take time to enjoy. This may mean planning ahead or reducing the number of activities you do.

8.     Remember that quality is more important than quantity. Often when seeing relatives/friends that live far away, we try to spend as much time as possible with them, knowing that it may be awhile until we see them again. Unfortunately, the unintended backlash of this behavior is that we get irritated with our family and the holidays become more stressful. Spend time doing activities together and catching up but allow yourself some alone time each day to unwind. Balance your needs for closeness with your needs for space.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Spice up Your Holiday Romantic Tips December 16, 2010

The holiday season can easily become overwhelming and stressful when you feel like you have too many obligations. Often one of the first things we neglect is our relationship with our spouse/partner. Here are some easy ways to kindle romance during the holiday season and reconnect with your partner.

1.   Go for a walk or drive with your partner to look at Christmas lights.

2.   Cut a Christmas tree together

3.   Snuggle in front of the fireplace or Christmas tree.

4.   Bake cookies together…and then cook up something special.

5.   Buy your partner festive lingerie

6.   Go for a sleigh ride or carriage ride.

7.   Dance with your partner at a holiday party.

8.   Surprise you partner with small gifts for the 12 days of Christmas or the 8 days of Hanukkah.

9.   Watch your favorite holiday movie together.

10.  Have an indoor picnic with your favorite holiday foods.

11.  Go skiing or snowshoeing together.

12.  Go away for a romantic weekend.

13.  Make your partner breakfast in bed.

14.  Call your partner’s phone when you know he/she won’t answer and leave a message he/she will want to listen to over and over.

15.  Write you spouse a love letter or special holiday card.

16.  Write a list of what you love about your partner and give it to him/her.

17.  Go ice-skating together.

18.  Go to a holiday parade. Snuggle close to stay warm.

19.  Kiss under the mistletoe.

20.  Enjoy a special dessert together.

21.   Send your partner a gift at work.

22.  Go to a concert, play, ballet, or movie together.

23.  Build a snowman or have a snowball fight. Then go inside and warm each other up.

24.  Celebrate with a champagne toast.

25.   Make your New Year’s kiss memorable.

26.  Hold hands or put your arms around each other while holiday shopping.

27.   Sip wine or hot chocolate by the fireplace or Christmas tree.

28.   Stay in bed late and snuggle or…use your imagination.

29.   Give your partner the gift of an activity he/she would like to do with you, that you normally wouldn’t do.

30.   Give your partner a long massage.

How to rebuild trust broken trust December 10, 2010

Rebuilding broken trust takes effort from both partners, the partner who was hurt and the partner who was dishonest, but in different ways. Furthermore, the dishonest partner has a greater responsibility for re-building the trust s/he has broken. Often in relationships, both partners play the roles of both hurt and dishonest partner.

For the hurt partner:

The primary role the hurt partner has in rebuilding trust is allowing the dishonest partner a chance to restore trust. Letting down your emotional walls is very difficult because there is a fear of being hurt again. However, if you have decided to work on your relationship, it is necessary.   There can be a temptation to knock down the whole wall at once and innately trust your partner again despite his/her dishonesty.  This is likely to cause you more problems because in trying to make changes and restore trust, your partner will likely make some mistakes.  If you have allowed yourself to be completely emotionally vulnerable again, you will be hurt even greater. Instead, it is better to begin by giving your partner a small “trust loan”.  Allow yourself to trust them just a little bit. Look for areas in your life that you do still trust them and use that area as a foundation. If they maintain your trust and are clearly working to build trust you can allow yourself to “loan” them more. Take the wall down slowly, brick by brick as you see your partner maintaining your trust. Don’t take a sledge hammer to the wall the first time your partner makes any kind of effort. Give your partner concrete, specific examples of how they can build trust with you.  For example: Call when you arrive at your destination, do not have contact with the person you cheated on me with and if you do have contact with them, tell me about it immediately, etc.

The other task for the hurt partner is to examine your reaction and response to being hurt. Is your reaction appropriate to the situation? Are there past hurts from exes, parents, friends, etc. that are making your partner’s dishonesty seem worse? What was your contribution to the situation in which your partner was dishonest? It isn’t always necessary to share your insights with your partner immediately, but as your trust grows, respectfully sharing your thoughts is a great way to further strengthen your relationship.

For the dishonest partner:

If you have broken your partner’s trust, the majority of the responsibility for rebuilding it falls on you.

1.     Take responsibility for your actions.

2.     If your partner wants an explanation for your behavior, be as honest and tactful as possible. Do NOT make excuses or blame your partner. While part of your reason for breaking trust may be due to your relationship issues, now is not the time to accuse your partner of wrongdoing. You will just look like you are trying to pass the blame. As basic trust is rebuilt you can begin looking at their contribution to the issues.

3.     It is likely that your partner will want to talk about the situation repeatedly. Be respectful and patient with him/her. It takes people a long time to work through dishonesty. Allow him/her the time s/he needs. If you tell him/her to “hurry up and get over it” you are undermining any trust you have rebuilt.

4.     Ask your partner for specific ways that you can help him/her trust you again.

5.     Avoid situations/people who contributed to your dishonesty as much as possible.

6.     When you have to be in situations that will likely trigger your partner, tell him/her ahead of time, include him/her as much as possible, check –in with your partner repeatedly, and be very open about your actions.

7.     Remember that there are two kinds of lies. Avoid both kinds.

a.     Overt lies: Explicit falsehoods; what we normally think of as lies

b.     Covert lies: Leaving out important or uncomfortable information. For example, you run into an acquaintance and your partner asks how you know him/her and you tell your partner that you used to work with the acquaintance. You “forget” to mention that you also dated for 6 months.

8.     When you make a mistake that might set back trust building, tell your partner immediately and do your best to make amends.

Should I let myself trust my partner again? December 2, 2010

Often when I begin working with a couple, trust of some kind has been broken. It is very difficult for a person whose trust has been broken to allow him/herself to trust again. The question then becomes “should I trust my partner ”? This question is important to consider because if you allow yourself to work on letting your partner re-earn your trust you might get hurt again. However, if you don’t allow your partner a chance to re-earn trust then it is extremely difficult to make improvements to your relationship. Therefore it is necessary to evaluate whether or not it is worth the risk to work on rebuilding trust or not.

Things to consider:

1.     The extent of the breach of trust. There is a huge difference between a partner who breaks trust by forgetting to follow through or not making a change requested by their spouse and the partner who has an affair or is consciously deceptive about serious issues like money, criminal activity, etc.

2.     Partner’s reaction when confronted. When you confront your partner about the breach of trust, do they acknowledge the wrongdoing or deny it? Do they seem to be genuinely concerned about you and your relationship? Are they willing to do the necessary work to improve the relationship and heal the hurt?  *This may not happen immediately because often when people are confronted they become defensive even if they know they are wrong but it should be apparent relatively soon after a confrontation.*

3.     Patterns. Has this behavior become a pattern? Have you confronted your partner repeatedly and been repeatedly dismissed or repeatedly promised change that doesn’t happen?

*Important note: This applies more to explicit, conscious acts that break trust. Sometimes a person will ask their partner to make a change that is important to them but not essential to their relationship and is difficult for the partner to change due to their personality, upbringing, beliefs, etc. The partner then has difficulty making the change and it can feel like a breach of trust but this is not the same as repeatedly having an affair, emotional/physical/sexual abuse, etc.

4.     Can you live with the betrayal? This is a hard question because there is never any easy answer. Some people are able to work things out with their partner and move on to have a healthy, happy relationship. Some can’t. One thing that is important to note though is during the initial shock of the betrayal, it is not a good time to decide definitively or not if you can live with it or not. Allow some time to pass, whether you are currently living together or separated, before committing either way.

5.     Present behavior. If you have decided to allow yourself to work on trusting your partner again, have they been trustworthy so far or have there been numerous small or large breaches of trust that leave you constantly wondering if you are crazy to keep working on this relationship? Additionally, is your partner able understand your need to repeatedly discuss the betrayal or do they try to avoid the conversation at all costs?

It is always hard to make the decision to trust again because it innately involves risk. However, often the relationship is worth the risk and a few small set-backs aren’t necessarily worth ending it.  It is important to look at if you are constantly allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting and then getting burned again and again.

Next time: How to rebuild trust broken trust